Oh hey everyone, Heather again, just having another one of my days [sooooo
monotonous] and I know you guys won't be interested but I was given a free
computer by a giant talking prehistoric falcon and I thought I'd share.
Yeah, so I left Vietnam, got like, soooooo tired of all the, ya know, water
buffallo, and am traveling now back in time to the triasic period. La de
da, it's not everything I thought it was, but I'm confident now after being
here that I could definately live in any era, by myself, even without limbs,
and get by. I was hanging out with this tricerotops [althought the
triceroptops actually wound up being a sepholopod, long story] and we were
eating polesceptisroris root from a sootamel bush and I told him how much
we're alike cuz I learned on my Israel trip that we both have horns and he
was totally into me, rearing his head and everything and then this
Tyranosaurus Rex came along and he was totally trying to eat my meat, if you
know what I mean, and they both were so into me, I could tell cuz they had
18 foot red rockets but I was like, sorry guys, not in this century, and why
get involved with something that's gonna be extinct in like 400,000 years
anyway right. Oh and also I went on this crazy hike, which means like I
skateboarded on lava rocks through a tunnel of gold and on the way met this
awesome group of brontosaurus who I hung out with for like 2 days and they I
made like all these jokes and they thought I was hysterical because they're
used to caveman humor and I don't think their brains are as small as
everyone says because they could recognize my supreme awesomeness, right my
boos? But I got pretty bored of that era because the dinosaurs didn't know
how to erect proper statues of me and theirs only so much
gertongenhemorateleaquenjontipsy that a girl can smoke without wondering how
much longer this game of rocks rocks rocks is gonna go on so then I traveled
to the future and the time machine burned my leg and when I arrived one of
the super friends was like, "time Machine burn... ouch". So I guess it's
pretty normal. Am I boring you guys I know I'm sorry I just have too much
time but I thought I'd write and you guys can quit now if you want but so
yeah I did end up right in the super secret space station in the sky that
belongs to the Justice League. Hawk Girl and and Wonder Woman were such
bitches because it was like they were all dolled up with magic cuflinks and
mystic hammers of the gods and here I was with a green jacket and jeans sans
makeup and Superman was practically taking kryptonite shots to impress me.
Batman was super serious with jealousy so I told him a joke about him
robbin the cradle with Robin and he kind of smirked and then I sang him a
kereoke version of his theme song with Joker and Two face puppets doing
different octives and I swear he took off his mask and was like "I am Bruce
Wayne, you win, I'll forget about my dead parents and give up saving Gotham
from psychotic villians if you will JUST KEEP TALKING!!!!" he's much more
flamboyant without the mask, just a guy with a fake muscles costume, almost
a turn on, if I wasn't in love with myself. But then Green lantern and
Martian Manhunter and I went down to where Golactus the Planet eater created
silver surfer and basically spent a whole day looking at the inter galactic
battle zone where for those of you who are in the know remember that Batman
Superman and The Incredible Hulk were under mind control from the dark
forces of Mystique and Pheonix and wound up wreaking havoc on the civilians
of planet Parsheba 7 while the real battle was taking place between Dark
star and the fantastic four millions of miles away with the universe on the
bring of destruction. The whole thing was really sad and I kept thinking
how pretty I was.
But while they were telling me these things I could tell that GN was
actually thinking "if I could just make my green lantern ring form shape of
dildo and manhunter would go back to mars I could have this gorgeous girl"
and manhunter kept disapearing and reapearing in different places trying to
show off but I was much more turned on by this pocket mirror I always keep
with me. Anyway, the silent alarm in the watch tower started sounding which
I thought meant everyone was throwing me a suprise party but instead they
all had to fly down to earth and in an attempt to stave off a war probably
senselessly destroy museums, nurseries and schools. Smart eye laser my ass,
superman look where you aim that thing! Right? Aquaman helped out from the
ocean but when he spotted me picketing at Lex Luthors [the BIGGEST asshole]
beach front house he asked me out and so he takes me to Atlantis where he is
the king [literally] and we have all this sea food which I thought was kind
of cannibalistic but he was being so heroic and nice but he was also
smothering me with attention and smelled kind of fishy which he obviosly
wasn't aware of and this mermaid told me in the bathroom that he's also
taking surface dwellers into his clam shell to tickle their pearl but it was
hard to keep away with his adorable dorsel fin and tales of tragedy and he
was telling me

Aquaman: "like you think boy it would be great to be able to talk to fish
and live under water but, Fife, can I call you Fife?"

Me: "sure"

Aquaman: "Fife, the truth is, fish are fucking stupid."

and then he gave me a boquet of whales, which was a nice thought but I had
to like swim around with it all night and I didn't want to be rude and just
harpoon them in front of him ya know. And he kept saying stupid things like
"With me.... you're always wet", so I pretended I was having trouble
breathing and he took me to the surface and asked me to marry him and it was
like on the spot so stupid I said "ummmm.... no, I can't eat anything with
scales"
So dumb right? Anyway, I've got to get back to Vietnam cuz I'm having
surgery tomorrow to take away a little bit of my perfection cuz it's getting
to be too much.
Alright like I said not too exciting but just a quick letter to say what's
up.
I'm so jealous of you guys in your average boring dull lives in offices and
homes, you're all so lucky to be having the same repetetive stable
existences day after day, my heart wishes it could beat so slow.

love love love,
Heather Fife

but yes CC reunion definately, you know I am ALWAYS down